In Process

I’m on day two of my trip to Playa Del Carmen. I slept for over 12 hours last night, and took about a 3 hour long nap in the middle of the day. There is something about this resort that puts me instantly at ease. Despite everything that has happened, I feel closer to being who I am then I have been in the past few months, and thats been truly refreshing. There is definitely a toll that adverse events take on someone, that affects them in all parts of their life, and will continue to do so until complete rest, for lack of a better word, can happen.

True, I maybe working while I’m out of town, but I’m all ready seeing things in different light, that I may not have seen otherwise. I look forward to the continued rest.

Tomorrow, I have one or two meetings I have to attend to, then I’m off to the beach for more rest. Frankly, even in this limited scope of having to keep an eye over things, I’m incredibly grateful to have this opportunity to relax, and collect myself. It really puts into perspective a lot of things.

Clarity In Thought

Tags

Cancún, Playa Del Carmen, Royal Hacienda, Travel and Tourism

It’s been a crazy past few months. It doesn’t really help that I haven’t really had an actual vacation in 2 or 3 years. The past few weeks, have felt like dragging something that won’t go away. All of this just to say that I am going on vacation for a week or two, and will be spending this time clearing my mind from many things, and will try to get some perspective on all of the decision’s I’ve made. The goal is to come back feeling like the Charles that I normally am, and finish getting out of the funk that I have more or less been in.

I will be staying for one week in Playa Del Carmen at the Royal Hacienda. From there I will probably be spending one more week in Cancun staying at the Royal Sands I believe. Second week details are still in flux, but needless to say, I’m a very very fortunate man to have such great plans in flux.

I fully expect to be blogging from the beach, and from my balcony at night.

On Internet Connections

I’m sitting here listening to This Week In Google with Leo Laporte, and enjoying the conversation that is being had. It all started with a guy in New York who had his internet access taken away by Comcast for going over the stated cap’s that Comcast provides it’s users. The conversation they are having is about the cost of running an ISP, and how bandwidth is a very very cheap thing to pay for. While yes, the cost of bandwidth from the ISP to the user maybe cheap, and from the ISP to it’s partner is probably just as cheap because of peering agreements, theres a lot of infrastructure that goes along with providing service to a customer.

I wouldn’t necessarily consider myself a subject matter expert, but I have designed, purchased, and implemented a data center, as well as serve as the PM for this, as well as spent countless hours with AT&T negotiating things like up time, equipment costs, schedules and etc. In addition to this, I have worked on many other equally high profile projects regarding infrastructure and uptime, with a perspective towards cost. With this all said, I can tell you that for an ISP to provide just the networking equipment and servers to support a given city, it will cost the ISP multiple-millions of dollars to just to buy the equipment needed to support them. Thats not including the annual support costs, which quite frankly cost about as much as the initial hardware purchase, or the staffing to take care of this. It all adds up, and yes bandwidth is probably cheap to an Internet Service Provider, but it’s a variable cost that in aggregate across hundreds of thousands of users in a given city, could end up costing them a lot as Netflix, and all the like continue to grow.

Just to be clear, I am not taking the side of the ISP’s. I’ve dealt enough with AT&T at a corporate level where I can tell you that your companies ability to function is the least of their concerns. They see themselves as nothing more then a dumb pipe provider to businesses. Cheap internet for home users is more or less a gateway drug for consumers, that can get them into other plans that have substantially lower infrastructure costs, but are charged at a much higher premium.

The solution to the upcoming datapacolypse isn’t tiers of internet, with the ISP’s cutting people off, or anything like that. But rather paying for internet activity like you would for your water. A reasonable amount per GB used. Somewhere around $.10-$.15 per GB, with a certain amount minimum, like 100GB. This model is not that different from the way electric companies bill us, and the total cost for people operating within their bandwidth allotment would on average be about $40, which is the average cost most people are paying for their internet anyway. People who abuse the system will end paying more, leading towards more money for equipment, infrastructure and staffing.

Sad truth is, we are all now reliant on the internet. Don’t think so? Try applying for a job at any major company. I doubt they will hand you a piece of dead tree to fill out in your leisure. They will probably direct you to their site. ISP’s cutting people off for people using the internet too much is unacceptable. Their activities are irrelevant if they are willing to pay a fair market price for it. Period. My water company doesn’t cut me off for a year because I take too many baths, but I will end up paying for my own fair usage.

Captain America: The First Avenger – Review

Yesterday I loaded up my baby brother (16, but i’m ancient compared to him so I’m sticking with baby) into the car, and took him to see Captain America: The First Avenger.

Overall, the movie is an all right movie. Key aspects of the movie are actually forgettable the day following a viewing of it. The movie starts out with a scrawny young man Steve Rogers who is going from county to county trying to get into the Army, but is constantly disqualified due to a number of obvious reasons if you were to see the movie. The movie draws you into the kind of heart the young man has, in that he wants to do the right thing and refuses to run. All typical things that all of us have come to expect from just about any Stan Lee created comic book character. The problem with the movie as a whole is there is no actual character development. Maybe I’m asking for too much out of a movie based off of a comic book superhero, but this is something that has been an issue with the other big name Marvel movie franchise Spiderman. Both of these characters start out as glorified boy scouts, who run into a something supernatural, and become extraordinary boy scouts. I could continue to beat that to death, but I’m going to leave it alone as it’s not the only issue with the movie. The movie proceeds to lie completely flat for about 20 to 30 minutes in the middle during which I nearly fell asleep on several occasions.

The entire movie seems to only exist to setup The Avengers next summer, which is fine, but it felt overtly forced. Overall, the movie is to a certain degree enjoyable. Make sure to stay past the credits for a teaser of next Summer’s The Avengers.

Crucial part of getting back to where you were before isn’t reminding yourself who you are, but remembering who you aren’t, and the reasons why.

There are many primal emotions that I understand very very well. I understand excitement, love, anger, anxiety, and so on. I understand getting so caught up in these emotions that sometimes we say or do things that we would regret, and the frustration that comes from trying to set things right. The past few months have been a roller coaster, and I’ve said and done things that I do regret, and was tempted to escalate matters but held off because I knew that there are certain things you can’t go back from.

I also understand the urge to lie to make certain things easier. The problem with lies is that they are seeds of more lies. The more you lie, the more you have to cover up the lies you’ve told, and form things around the surrounding lies to make it believable, and remember who you told what to and so on and so forth. Next thing you know, you are essentially living two lives. One being the result of reality, and one the result of your lies and juggling things can be a pain. Life is too short to over complicate things with lies. If you have people in your life that you have to lie in order to make the relationship of whatever type work, then it’s best to just let it die then to create the anxiety of the farce.

I have taken a fairly big step back in my areas the past few months, some were against my will and many were voluntary in order to get prospective. Something I’ve been trying to understand is the motivations of people who completely go out of their way to hurt people in a fairly personal way. I’m not talking about words of slander, I’m talking about very deep, personal attacks. Something that feels like watching your best friend stab you in the chest with a smile on their face. There is literally nothing to gain, other then the smug satisfaction of the end result. Is that worth it? Is going out of your way to kill any prospects of any further connection worth whatever temporary gratification that comes in the short term?

Personally, I’m glad I don’t understand the motives of such people.

Growing up, I had a lot of anxiety issues, that all came to a head back in June 2007 after a couple of fairly tragic events. At some point I’ll probably go in deeper into things, and probably go into the latest situation, but for now lets stick with whats on my mind.

Growing up I had a lot of anger that was brought on by the way I was raised. I always kind of enjoyed the backstory of Batman when I was a teenager, and related to the feeling of loss of control. The overwhelming feeling of acting out with aggression. The very primal darkness that was there in Tim Burton’s Batman, or Christopher Nolan’s Batman Begin’s or even reading back through many of the earlier comics before things went down hill recently after Batman R.I.P. The outlet for Bruce Wayne was for him to fight injustice in a way that he felt he could. He took on 3 different person’s. One being the Bruce Wayne everyone saw, then Batman, and then the Bruce that those close to him saw. Two masks for one man, one hurt boy. But that isn’t getting past things. That isn’t growth. And I’m not there anymore. At least not as much as I was before. I am working to get past my remaining issues. I fully recognize them as mine, and would rather not live with something over me, let alone let something rule my life because frankly life is too short to do that.

Thats not to say that I don’t love the Batman Mythology, or the universe that Christopher Nolan created with his incarnation of Batman. In fact I’d say that his work has done a lot to legitimize comic book movies as serious, captivating work that the genre lacked since it began.

So last April I took a week off and went to the lake. I loaded up my iPad with just about every issue of Iron Man going back to the start of the Extremis series, through the most modern work of today, and I spent a week with my significant other at the time, and a Pina Colada, sitting out in the sun reading. I was fascinated by the character of Tony Stark/Iron Man. I found myself finding more in common with Tony now, then I currently do with Bruce Wayne. Tony doesn’t hide personas in the same way Bruce does. Tony’s defensive measures actually mirror mine a lot more closely, using sarcasm and charm to keep people at a certain emotional distance, and only letting those he truly trusts in. Those he lets in, he trusts with his life, and would do anything for. Beyond that, there are varying degrees of trust, but the defenses are always up. The entrepreneurial spirit is there, and his actions aren’t rooted in emotional trauma. Rather his place is out of necessity, and choice.

 

Some Things Never Change

Ya know this whole song and dance I’m doing right now isn’t new. The circumstances are the same, the characters have different names. In a lot of ways it feels a lot like “Save by The Bell: The New Class”. Theres the guy who’s suppose to be just like Zack Morris, another one like A.C Slater, and so on and so forth. The same situations, same story lines, nothing changes. The difference is when this happens in real life you have the convenience of foresight gained from the last time around.

People’s motivations are typically easy to read in business. Everyone is after advancement, and money, and most have very little regard for other issues that can help them in this area. This isn’t about business though, this is about life. You know who you’re friends are, because they are the ones who stick around when you are down and out. You know who you can trust because they don’t turn and run when things get tough. Trust is something typically earned, and some give it away too loosely, and pay the price for it. Others don’t give it away at all and live lonely lives because of it.

In the last couple of weeks, several of my relationships have been tested out like this, and some of the people that fell by the wayside surprised me. Honestly they probably didn’t, but thats the way things go sometimes. Beyond that, those exact same people recently popped back up out of nowhere, with motivations as clear as day. Friendship is never something you barter with. Life is far too short to deal with those who are disingenuous. At some point soon I’ll probably stop writing in generalities, and deal specifically with whats going on.

Rising

Things are constantly changing, such is the pattern of life. One moment you can be soaring high, with everything going your way, and then in an instant, a series of events is enough to take you down with them. It happens to everyone, it’s happened to me, and this is how our story begins. I could sit here and write for hours about the events of the past few months, but lets face it, the internet is filled with enough sob stories to fill the Grand Canyon, and quite frankly, my story probably ranks fairly low in the ranks of things that people experience.

Needless to say, I’m a moment of transition. I’m often reminded of a quote from Batman Begins, as cliched as that maybe as a geek, but it still holds true. “Why do we fall sir? So we might learn to pick ourselves up.” The point is not to let things break you or even circumstances that could have broken me and didn’t. But rather, how do you get back from the breaking point, and get back to normal. Normalcy is an interesting thing. It means so many things to so many people. For many, getting back to “normal” could be nothing more then maintaining the status quo that they’ve existed in for years, and still continue to dwell in to this day. For others, for those who seek more out of life then whats been given, it’s a completely different deal all together. It is easy to maintain the status quo. You let time pass, time heals all wounds, and you continue to do the exact same thing that you’ve always done. That is not the case for me. Whether I am crazy for being ambitious as I maybe, or whether I am deluded by my own mental image of where I should be, the case remains the same. I need to keep moving. I’ve done things a certain way because I have my own goals in mind. My goals are to continue to do well as an individual till the time comes when I find my resolve, and I can’t stop until I get there. As foolish as that maybe, life is short, and I’d rather not waste any time on trivial matters.

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately doing things that remind me of who I am, and what my goals are. I have spent most of my adult life crafting things for a future that I want, and it’s been almost mine, only to slip through my fingers. It’s not cause to think that it will never happen, it just reminds me of the ideals that I want for myself, and my future, and the reality that whatever is worth having isn’t cheap easy or free. Whatever it is that’s worth having is worth not compromising on, and worth seeing the mistakes after you make them, and adjusting for them afterwards. This isn’t about an overly inflated self-ego, this is about taking charge of the mistakes that have been made, and turning them into long term victories. There is a Proverb that says that a fool rejects criticism. To get ahead, it’s important to bounce back from your mistakes and take off as if nothing has happened. I’ve been in numerous business situations, and the same has always been true, the calm, and collected get ahead. Those who are willing to to learn from their mistakes, and not dwell go even further.

It’s been a long past few weeks. The building move at work has been completed, and I’m all set to move into my new apartment on July 1st, and I’m excited. As with most things, my blogging is probably about to start happening again in sharp bursts, and even a redesign, thanks to squarespace, if I decide to move over to that site. More to come later on that.